How (Educators Can) Win Friends and Influence People: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

First, if you haven't read "How to Win Friends and Influence People", get it now! I wish I would have read this fifteen years ago! I as listening to mine on a book on tape on Audible.com. This isn't a promo. Amazon is giving me nothing, just that it is a very useful way to spend my drive time. And the Kindle edition is only two dollars at the time of me writing this.

As I read through Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, I'm struck by how much is applicable to a teacher's life when interacting with the various stakeholders.

Organized into four sections, here is my take on the section entitled "Fundamental Techniques in Handling People". 

1. Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. Human nature does not like to admit fault. When people are criticized or humiliated, they rarely respond well and will often become defensive and resent their critic. To handle people well, we must never criticize, condemn or complain because it will never result in the behavior we desire.

• reinforces how important it is to refrain from negativity with our students so as not to break relationships with them

• reminds me also of interactions between teachers and school leadership. Sometimes leaders are critical, but I've also experienced perceived criticism when there was none. For example, in a PLC, an administrator asking the teachers (myself included) questions about our lessons. We were perceiving criticism when it was really the administrator trying to facilitate a reflection on our practices. When teachers perceive criticism, they will not be reflecting because they are instead becoming defensive. All the more reason administrators and coaches must take that time at the beginning of the year to set up an understanding that PLCs will require all in the group to assume positive intentions. 

• I was in a training one time and the issue of parents came up. My trainer said something to the effect of, "Children are like the billboards of their parents. They leave the house and they announcing what that family is about and how well those parents parent." I've often thought of this while talking to parents. So often it can go awry if parents perceive criticism of their child which equates with criticism of their parenting. Keeping things factual without subjective adjectives and adverbs and focusing on the actions are the issue, not the child himself can help make it clear it is not criticism of the child but notification about his behavior. 

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation. Appreciation is one of the most powerful tools in the world. People will rarely work at their maximum potential under criticism, but honest appreciation brings out their best. Appreciation, though, is not simple flattery, it must be sincere, meaningful and with love.

• specific feedback to students is important. A "good job" can sound insincere in a child's ear. Instead something specific, "I like how much you participated in class, it really contributed to the lesson" or "Thank you for coming in with a smile today."

• I appreciate the pinterest worthy teacher appreciation gifts, but as someone whose love language is not material goods, I get so much more out of letters and notes students write me. Likewise, administrators and peers flourish from positive feedback like this. Have a stack of blank notecards and endeavor to write thank you notes to staff. Keep a list of people you've written notes to. Has someone conducted PD for you and your fellow staff? Thank them. Does administration provide donuts at the faculty meeting or let you wear jeans? Thank them. Keep a list of your team members and write a thank you to each of them throughout the year.

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want. To get what we want from another person, we must forget our own perspective and begin to see things from the point of view of others. When we can combine our desires with their wants, they become eager to work with us and we can mutually achieve our objectives.

• ·         Putting ourselves in the shoes of students is vital in good lesson planning. What to students want? At the middle school level, many of them want options. They want to be treated with respect and for adults to treat them like they can make good decisions. They want to have choice. Have you ever let students design their own assignments? Try it, as a class, come up with an assignment explain what the standard is asking the student to do and then ask how the class thinks this can be accomplished.
• ·         I think this one is vital when developing PD. Too often teachers are geese being fattened for pate with information being forced down throats. It is one of the reasons I love problem-solution formatted PD. Teachers want things that are going to solve a problem so first you have to make them connect with or perceive the problem. If a PD presents a solution, there is an eager want from faculty.

What about you? Anything strike a cord?